Defining our dictionaries to our spouses…


Communication is the link that creates a relationship between people, it’s the most important pillar in a marriage. Lack of proper communication destroys a marriage and makes the couple frustrated that they married the wrong person.

When we get into marriage we come with our own dictionaries of meaning of words. Unless these definitions are clarified, the words we speak to each other cannot be understood. Mmmmmhhh quite complex, have you ever told your spouse something and she/he got it all wrong and you were nil by mouth for almost a month? Let me unpack the dictionary complexity.

First, you have something you want to get across to the other person – what you mean. Perhaps you’ve thought about it, or you just formulate it as you open your mouth. But it may not come out the way you intended. So the second message is what you actually say. Now,  let’s turn to your spouse. The third message is what your spouse actually hears while filtering and processing the information, which leads tot he fourth message – what your spouse thinks he/she hears! Mmmmhhh ouch!, now the possibility of misunderstanding increases.

If the communication is stopped here, it wouldn’t be co complicated. But the fifth message is what your spouse says about what you said. Now it’s back in your lap, because the sixth message is what you think your spouse said about what you said.

This shows that when we communicate we give six messages, and not to count the non-verbal, the stories we created of what should or not said. It becomes complicated and that is why communicating with your spouse makes all the difference in your marriage. Below are some tips you could use to communicate better, lakini remember its an art and you must commit to be a better communicator.

1)       Schedule some time to be spent only with your partner every day to maintain a strong bond.

2)      Give complete attention to your partner, whether chatting or resolving an issue.

3)      Listen to your partner without any interruptions. Maintain eye contact and keep an open mind. Grasp the expressed feelings along with the words. Facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and words – all of these matter.

4)      Avoid creating stories and scripts in your head. Please use facts as your guide to communicating how you feel.

5)      Make a careful choice of words while communicating to avoid any misunderstandings.

6)      Don’t get carried away with emotions while communicating. Try and be calm and use words carefully, the have power and you can’t take them back once you have spoken them.

7)      Instead of blowing your lid off in front of your partner, vent your anger on a piece of paper, but please don’t give it to your spouse, write and tear it. By the time you meet your spouse you will have cooled off. Sometimes, we do regret later what we had said in a fit of anger.

8)      Keep the positive aspects in the spot light rather than the negative ones. Please don’t criticize it just brings disrespect and the honor of your marriage is torn. There is no good criticism it is just hurting the other person and robbing them dignity avoid it at all cost.

9)      You don’t like a particular habit of your partner, for example, throwing a wet towel on the bed. Don’t start with “I hate it when you…” instead, say, “I really like it when I see you hanging your towel on towel-stand!”

10)   If you don’t like a particular dress on your partner, instead of saying, “you look fat/bad in this dress”, say, “why don’t you wear the ‘so and so’ dress? It looks sexier on you than this one!”

11)    It is said – the best way to win an argument is to avoid it. How true! When you feel the discussion is getting heated up, withdraw.

12)   Shouting, screaming, crying are the worst ways of communicating your feelings. They only leave your partner feeling hurt, confused, or even a failure am sure you don’t want to feel that way, so don’t make your spouse

13)   Never dig out past conflicts, no matter how tempted you are. Let the past be the past ….mmmmhh women let it go …the past

14)   Don’t hesitate in saying “I am sorry.” These are the wonder words that make your partner lose all anger. In fact, it leaves no room for further debate

15)   Stop blaming each other. If you think, “I can save my marriage by putting all the blame on my partner”, you are harboring an absurd idea in your mind.


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