Love-making is similar to dancing. Each person may or may not be a good dancer. One person may be a great dancer and the other may not be terrific. However, it is how they dance together that matters. Some people can dance well alone, but not with a partner. To be beautiful and satisfying, dancing demands cooperation, communication, and consideration. One partner must not go on his or her own without communicating to the partner; and the partners must cooperate.
No couple expects to dance well together, no matter how well either one may dance alone, without practicing together. It does not matter how easy it might be to dance with other partners, one’s current partner is the one that matters if you wish to become a good ballroom dance team.
In making love there is need for a connection that is sometimes communicated and other times its just natural and each of you know when to get in, when to touch, how to touch, when to kiss and even when to talk. It’s like a dance it flows, however this works best when the couple are totally committed to each other and there is trust. True intimacy happens only when there is true commitment and trust.
All of this is true for love-making as well. Yet we often believe that good love-making should “come naturally,” without education. We covet beliefs that somehow people should know how to make love together and should not have to talk about it or practice (I mean practice …have different sex styles with your spouse) with the intent of improving our style so that it is mutually satisfying.
Clearly, if your dance partner continuously stepped on your toes and was unwilling to discuss the matter, it would not take long before you either stop dancing or find a different partner. Yet the majority of couples do not communicate about their love-making and are not open to exploring their sexuality with one another. Even the most experienced lovers often practice poor love-making strategies. People, especially men, become defensive when their partner wants to discuss their sex life as if they were about to be criticized.
Communication between dance partners and lovers is essential for having a satisfying experience. The partners must frequently communicate verbally and non-verbally with one another in order to learn to anticipate each other’s moves. With sufficient practice, the dance of love seems effortless.
Lovemaking should be fun, playful, affectionate, intimate, and fulfilling. When something goes awry, either because of faulty communication, inappropriate attitudes, or antiquated beliefs, a sexual dysfunction may emerge.
Remember: Most sex goes on between your ears, not between your legs! Good sex starts with a healthy attitude about sex.
The cardinal rules for good sex are:
- respect your partner
- adopt a healthy attitude
- share your thoughts and feelings with your partner
- talk about what you like and don’t like
- be honest
- have fun and relax
Originally published 5/28/98